Some say the world will end in fire. Some say it will end with ice. Others argue that it’s a toss up between a malicious alien invasion and an pandemic of bone crunching zombies.
Some say we are nearing the end of days. Some say the dawn is rising on a new age of technology.
Whatever they say is a lie. I can bet you many I-O-U’s that the world will end with fairies.
Just think about it.
Beware they who may be dressed in white
Remember the old dude has a scythe
–Legit fairy lore from The Ballad of Tom, or an Example of those Who Tampered with Fairy Affairs
In the lore that we have seen, read, and burned, fairies are demonic creatures that like to steal our babies right out from under our noses and replace them with their own in human forms. They like to play tricks on us because they don’t play by the same rules we do and about 99.560% of the time, they are nature spirits that are embodied with the presence of the Earth. A big question to consider is have we been treating the Earth properly these days? The answer is, sadly, no.
We’ve been expanding and ripping up green small animal and unknown fairy sanctuaries to put in a new subdivision or just an innocent park bench. But let’s keep one thing straight people, park benches are never innocent. They bring trash that the stupider fairies (because, let’s face it, although fairies are indeed a superior race, they have their own share of those who swim at the shallow end of the fairy gene pool and they always have their slightly too-clumsy-to-function third cousins five-times-removed, gnomes, tagging along) who mistake Cheetos bags for moon glitter and unfortunately eat it, choke, and die. Have you ever seen a fairy eat it, choke, and die? I haven’t, but I’ve heard it’s something awful. I’ve been told by blogdog that even a rousing chorus of “I believe in fairies!!!” (like I learned from watching Tinkerbell die in a live production of Peter Pan) will not help a choking fairy breathe again.
But moving on, do you remember that haven of weeds in your backyard that you pulled up because it had a dandelion in it? Well that danger zone of dandelions also happened to be a clover patch and now the little baby newborn sprites that live in your backyard will go hungry this spring because their parents will have to walk farther to the next clover patch three houses down the street. Remember: a foot for you is a day’s journey for them. That means it will take about 3 weeks for them to get there and back and in the meantime, they’ll be suffering from malnutrition from eating your pachysandra. Whenever we see a circle of mushrooms in our front lawns, the first thing we do is run out with the mushroom killer instead of letting the mushrooms go their course and be the fairy circle or portal they were meant to be. What if some important fairy was about to cross over and unknowingly you split them in half because the portal on our side was too weak to support their transition because you’re in the process of eradicating it from your otherwise spectacular front lawn? What if the world just gets tired of us and our 6.whatever-you-get-the-point expanding billion ever-growing web friends? What if nature started fighting back from all the hate crimes of poison sprays, mowers, weed whackers, cement blocks, blacktops, Metro stations, and buildings we’ve carved into its surface?
Ponder this for more than a second.
The ancients used to see magic everywhere and were constantly being tricked by the little green fairy men and women. They made them go on pointless quests like Sir Gawain that we have been tortured with in our English classes when we should be reading proper fairy lore like Neil Gaiman’s Stardust or Shakespeare’s A Midsummer Night’s Dream.
Although we don’t see magic in the world as much as they did back then, what if nature just decided that enough was enough and decided to send its army in the form of fairies and their allies (some or most possibly invisible) after us? How would we fight it? How would we fight invisible fairies?!
My point is we wouldn’t. We’d be screwed.
So in short, the next time you argue that we should be stocking up for an all-out war against our former homies-turned decomposing slobbering corpses or that I should be on the look out for saucers in the sky, please keep in mind that what eventually destroys “life as we know it” may not be something engineered, leaked, and spread, or even extraterrestrial. But something natural that hides in the bushes of your backyard.